It is currently the Friday night before the sunday of my 30th birthday. I just got home from the movies. I have cracked open a beer and have Ozzys Boneyard on the SiriusXM radio. It feels good. I feel good.
I've been needing to get my head clear I think and escape like that. I wanted to go for the Imax showing in Reading of 'Interstellar" but it was sold out. I went to the movie theater at the mall. The movie was still incredible.
The funny thing about going to the movies for me is, i don't like seeing it with other people. The crowd I can deal with, save for the talkers, loud snackers and assholes. I mean going with someone as a twosome. I've never really liked it. i suppose its cause I am always worried if they are liking it. I really don't enjoy going with a group. I like to sit in certain spots and view the screen from where I feel i can see it best. I know how the movie is show, like the pre view stuff before, then the ads, then the trailers then the little movie theater bumpers, then the movie. I stay for all the credits as well. doesn't matter the movie. I stay. The music is good, the art is being credited, you stay. Where else do you have to go.
That is something that I have always done, and I will always do. I know that about myself. I know I am not alone in that, I've just never met anyone else that does that. Save for the Marvel movie easter eggs at the end of their movies, not a lot of people stay to see the end logo. It's nothing special. Just a sense of completion I guess.
I'm gonna be 30. Thirty. It's no big deal. There really is no super significance to it. No new threshold you cross, ust means things that you treasure are worth more. Memories become more important. You can relate to things a little differently. There are some things that I can't believe are as old as they are, just because that means i am now "that old". I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but at the same time i feel i should. In some way for myself at least, to acknowledge "Hey, weaned it this far."
I really have nobody to thank more than my parents and my family. They are the strongest and most resilient people I know. They are in this awful situation and have been making it work as best they can for the past 7 years. I've done what I can to help them and be their shoulder to lean on when needed. I got told once that "maybe thats why (you're) shoulders are so big, you hold everyone else up". I don't know if I am holding them up, but I do make a good crutch.
My niece and nephew, who are now more of my family than I had ever thought they would be, are amazing. My niece is 7 and my nephew will be 6 next month. To see them grow and change is crazy. I saw a picture of me holding my niece when she was a baby. I still can't believe that happened. She is smart, artistic, funny and colorful. She also likes to keep to herself and is shy sometimes. She reminds me a lot of myself.
My nephew is loud, crazy, silly, overly emotional, smart and moody at times. He is a lot like his mother. He looks up to me a lot. My mother bought me a PS4 for my birthday. It was a very expensive gift but she insisted. I think my nephew was more excited for me to open the box than I was. We have been sharing the PS3 that I own and most of the games we have are the Lego version of many franchises. They are fun. I know the most fun he has with them, is when he gets to play with me and show me what he's accomplished. He is very smart and does well in school too.
There are times, and I've talked about this with my parents, that i find it hard to look at them in the eye. There are certain expressions and reactions they make that look just like their mother. I am very thankful they look nothing like their father, cause let's face it, all the looks are on our side of the family. Their faces though, remind me of my sister so much and it hurts. It hurts cause I know that she will probably never see those looks, or interact with them the way we do. She doesn't seem to want t, so its up to us to raise them as best we can.
I do not want children of my own. I've been through enough with them that I got the whole experience without some of the mess. I do not need to add to another growing problem. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another person. I will go on being extremely happy being the best uncle they can have. I don't really have one, I do but he lives in Texas, so I missed out on that. Lots of aunts here. lots of women in this family.
I wish I had a brother. I feel like some of the reason I don't get along with people, mainly other men, is due to that fact that I never had that close bond with anyone like brothers do. It's different growing up with a younger sister. We were very close, and when it all started going bad with her, that connection was broken. It never grew back either, even after the kids. I look at my friends with brothers, younger and older, and even older sisters, and feel jealous. They have someone close to them that they can relate to, or have advice passed on from.
I didn't grow up close with my cousins like some people do either. Again, they were older than me and female. So once the teenage years hit it was bye bye.
I miss my grandparents. I do wish they could have seen me hit this mark. Both sides have passed on. My aunts on both sides are now the eldest members of their respective sides. My father is the oldest man. Then it's me. Then my nephew. The family name ends with me.
So this thing is supposed to be a celebration/collection of thoughts and memories on the past years. I did something last year on Facebook, with 30 things about me. The 30th one was a bonus since I was turning 29.
I thought maybe this time I would try to recall 30 memories from over the years. It's gonna be a mix of that and new /old facts.
So here goes
1. Stats: Blue eyes, shaved head, beard, 6'1'', 255lbs, glasses.
2. I am worried about the strength and health of my eyes. I see double a lot and the strength of them is failing. The left one is very wonky. So much so i notice people adjusting their eyeline to meet my right one. A lot.
3. Still living in Gloucester with my parents. By 30 i had hoped to have my own place and a cat or two. Fingers crossed
4. I am fully employed at a good job. It's the best i've had, maybe eveer. its challenging but even though it has bent me, I'm not broken.
5. I used to live in Gloucester when I was younger, from 1-5 we lived in the shitty part of town.
6. First movie i saw in the theater was "The Land Before Time". I went with my dad and his mother.
7. I remember going through a hurricane in the late 80s.
8. I remember the layout of our first apartment. The neighbors. The feel of the floor.
9. Watching "The NeverEnding Story" on video with my cousins and hiding behind the couch when Gamork shows up. I now own the blu-ray.
10. I got a tiny plastic animal stuck in the vcr and had to be punished for it. I don't remember the punishment, im guessing it was not harsh.
11. We moved to Rockport in 89. tiny little red house on a one way street. My bed was built into the wall and would stay that way till I got too big for it. The ceiling slanted so i could only stand up in half of it.
12. I remember making a scene at my sister birthday in 93, cause it wasn't my birthday. Mom grabbed my arm and dragged me up to my room.
13. I remember seeing "Aladdin" and "Jurassic Park" in the movie theater.
14. I did a lip synch of "Prince Ali" in front my third grade class, cause why the fuck not.
15. I sucked at math in school, still do. I used to have nightmares about numbers eating me.
16. 4th grade, Dad and I went to our first Boston College hockey game. We have had season tickets in the same seats for 20 years.
17.I believe i got my first kiss in 4th/5th grade. It was from the same girl that once punched me in the stomach.
18. Middle school scared the shit out of me and I started to become really introverted. No lip synchs in front of the classes then.
19. 7th grade brought on the greatest crush I have ever had. I would go on a "date" with here years after only to find out she had a boyfriend. She sucked at mini golf anyway. However, still the mention of her name makes my knees weak.
20. I hated my teen years till I could drive. Then I started going to the movies alone.
21. Ive been shaving since I was 12, driving since 2001, a couple other things since around 12/13 as well. (the Spice Girls came along in a very important age for me)
22. Lost my virginity at 16. I remember running into friends after it happened and the phrase "Why is your shirt on backwards?And inside out?" was uttered.
23. I suck at leaving jobs, relationships and people. I just up and leave and sometimes don't offer an explanation as to why.
24. I hated high school.
25 Senior year, Spirit week. I am an ass.
26. Found out i hate living with other men when I went to college. Moved out of the housing and into a hotel for the last two weeks.
27. Did not have a drink till i was 21. Got really shifted and made out with a toilet for most a party. Thank you Ed Watson.
28. I owe meeting my first ex-girlfriend to her brother breaking a toilet while having sex with his girlfriend at the time on it.
29. I've had the best relationship with a woman who is now my 2nd and 3rd ex-girlfriend. It did not end the way it should have, i up and ran again, and will always be sorry for that.
30. Im not afraid to ruin a good thing, and I will spend the rest of my life obsessing about the "What if's".
There's more I could write but some is probably too personal, and really I've admitted a lot already and I've only had one beer.
I am looking forward to what the new year brings for me.
If anyone has a way of seeing a movie trailer for your life, let me know, cause I've no idea where this plot is going.
